Celebrity Chef Matthew
Top 10 Celebrity Chef Memoirs

10 - “The Shape of Pecs to Come” by Robert Irvine

9 - “Every Side is My Best Side” by Marcel Vigneron

8 - “Skimming Milk and Employee Tips” by Mario Batali

7 - “I SHOULD BE ON THIS LIST” by Spike Mendelsohn

6 - “Bacon, Beer, and Bullying: Foodies Are Pussies” by Epic Meal Time

5 - “I Used To Be a Ferry” by Guy Fieri

4 - “Seriously, I Write Fiction Too Goddammit!” by Anthony Bourdain

3 - “See Stacy Heatherly, TOLD You I’d Be Cool Someday,” by Alton Brown

2 - “Mmm… You Like That?… Give It To Me… The Recipe, I Mean” by Nigella Lawson

1 - “All of Me (Except the Health Complications)” by Paula Dean

 

Celebrity Chef Matthew is the most famous chef in the history of history. Be awed at his official website or follow him on Twitter @TVsChefMatthew

Bottom 7 States for Foodies

7 - New York, Bloomberg outlawed taste

6 - Arizona, no Hispanic kitchen staff anymore

5 - California, duh

4 - West Virginia, closest organic product three states over

3 - North Dakota, all the downside of Canada without the benefit of a Tim Hortons

2 - Idaho, potato production increases are tied to blandness increases

1 - Nevada, desserts made from foreclosure paperwork

 

Celebrity Chef Matthew is the most famous chef in the history of history. Be awed at his official website or follow him on Twitter @TVsChefMatthew

Top 10 States for Foodies

10 - Michigan, now a right to wok state

9 - Pennsylvania, the fracking gives the water texture

8 - TIE: Colorado and Washington, everything taste better when you’re so hiiiiiiiiiiiigh

7 - Iowa, all of the food is made from delicious corn syrup

6 - Florida, assuming you’re Cuban, Jewish, or a redneck

5 - Texas, the heart palpitations are bigger

4 - Alaska, you can see Russian caviar from your house

3 - New Jersey, see: Governor Christie

2 - Illinois, Land of Lingonberry

1 - Nevada, every meal comes with a shot of penicillin


* honorable mention - Washington DC, no cutting station without representation!



Celebrity Chef Matthew is the most famous chef in the history of history. Be awed at his official website or follow him on Twitter @TVsChefMatthew 

Top 9 Rachael Ray Recipes

9 - “Oh No You Didn’t!” Bean Compote

8 - “Hurry He’s Almost Home!” 2 Minute Cowboy Steak

7 - Peppy But Persnickety Perplexed Pastrami Panini

6 - “Get the Pig Outta Here” Porkless Meat Hoagies

5 - I Call These My “I Call These My ‘The Sunchoke Also Rises’” Sunchokes

4 - “No I’m Not Losing My Voice” Venison

3 - Three Minute Overnight Pancakes

2 - Head Cheese Football Dinner

1 - Half-Minute Slow Cooker Chili



Celebrity Chef Matthew is the most famous chef in the history of history. Be awed at his official website or follow him on Twitter @TVsChefMatthew

Best 11 Uses for Celery

11 - Substitute for coal in a bad child’s Christmas stocking

10 - Bully the bully

9 - Gift for your obligatory vegan friend’s birthday

8 - Guilt

7 - War crimes

6 - Making mistakes in your marriage

5 - Jambalaya

4 - Substitute teacher torture

3 - Wedge out a stuck suppository

2 - Right wing Obama conspiracy

1 - Texture of lowest depth in hell



Celebrity Chef Matthew is the most famous chef in the history of history. Be awed at his official website or follow him on Twitter @TVsChefMatthew

The Top 11 Food Academies

11 - Schenectady School of Squab

10 - Foodie Fondue U

9 - The People’s Protein Lab

8 - Gastronomy High, Version 2.5.82

7 - Guy Fieri’s Manhole (Evening and Late Night Classes, Males Only)

6 - Julia Child Memorial Cooking with Butter (and Passion) University

5 - Top Chef Advanced Clown College

4 - Corey Booker’s Ladies I Cook Too University

3 - The Williamsburg Brooklyn School of the Conforming Hipster

2 - Epic Meal Time School of Hardening Arteries

1 - My alma mater: East Tennessee Culinary Barn and Used Fiberglass Annex




Celebrity Chef Matthew is the most famous chef in the history of history. Be awed at his official website or follow him on Twitter @TVsChefMatthew

Top 10 Best Food-Related Diseases

10 - Coulis cough

9 - Viral gobo

8 - Stock, egg drop and roll shock

7 - Pulmonary quince disease

6 - Infectious small brew mutation

5 - Morel mucus

4 - Pantry gut

3 - Viscous veal lips

2 - Triple tripe truncation

1 - The diabetes!

 

Celebrity Chef Matthew is the most famous chef in the history of history. Be awed at his official website or follow him on Twitter.

Top 11 TV Cooking Shows

11 - Guy Meets Cuuuuute Boy with Guy Fieri (Logo TV)

10 - Another Food Show with Bobby Flay (Hallmark Channel)

9 - Robert Irvine’s Resume Stuffing (Food Network)

8 - Head in the Sand(wich) with Paula Deen (Cooking)

7 - Jamie Oliver’s Idealist Insalata (ABC)

6 - Out of Ideas Hell with Gordon Ramsay (Fox)

5 - Top Narcissist Chef All Stars (Bravo)

4 - Epic Meal Time’s I Hate Myself (YouTube)

3 - 1.7 Minute Meals with Rachel Ray (Food Network)

2 - Celebrity Chef Matthew’s Guide to Foods of Third World Circuses (syndicated)

1 - Julia Child’s The French Chef*

       *Full disclosure - we were lovers and soul mates



Follow the most famous chef in the universe on Twitter @TVsChefMatthew.

Top 12 Cuisines by Country

12 - Argentina

11 - East Timor with UN oversight

10 - Japan

9 - Seven Eleven

8 - Mexico

7 - Borderless drone strike

6 - Greece (pre-bankruptcy)

5 - Freudian

4 - Italy, “bonga bonga”-era only

3 - Goldman Sachs corporate card

2 - Thai (legal)

1 - UNITED muthaeffing STATES noduh


 

Follow the world’s most famous chef at twitter.com/TVsChefMatthew.